Words seem to evaporate inside my head as soon as they are created and within moments after they are spoken. So I’m writing. To God. To myself. To the world. Hoping the ink in this pen will somehow endow my words with a power to break through the walls surrounding me and elicit an answer from the universe. From some higher stream of consciousness that knows better than I do now and can see the mess I’m in with perfect 20/20 hindsight and fucking guide me through. I’ve never felt so disconnected.
This isn’t a journal entry. This isn’t for self preservation. This is a prayer. A cry for help. I don’t want to talk or explain. I want answers from YOU, who already knows my heart, my story, my soul. Why are you leaving me in this chaos? I’m not learning or growing. I’m spinning my wheels and growing tired, and bitter, and losing faith. I need a god damned intervention, so show up. Please. Show up for me. Take any form, but for the love of all that is holy, can you not be subtle about it? I’m disconnected. I’m losing touch and won’t hear your whispers this time. My chaos is too loud.
The wind is howling outside but still I will crack the window so the spirits of nature can pass easily into my home. Find me waking, find me sleeping, alone or in company, just find me and help me. Show me the way and light my best path.
I remember as a child begging for signs like this in my darkest moments. I cannot remember the outcomes. Somehow I became a spiritual adult with a belief system so expansive, it is at times a limitless wonderland. Unless I’m desperate. When my heart is broken, I always feel forsaken and cannot hear or feel past the sadness or the anger. Why? When I need my faith the most, why am I unreachable? Please, find me here. I’m not meaning to hide. I’m not meaning to barricade myself inside walls of fear and despair. I invite you in. I forfeit my ego and my will to the best of my ability so that I may hear, see, and know my best path. Show me the next right thing.