I am more than a mother

This all consuming love

Is an honor

To experience childhood  and motherhood in tandem 

Is the singular thing in life

Greater than childhood itself

And yet I am more 

I was a child once

And then a girl

And then a woman

Moving forward

Haphazardly

On only two feet

Until I became a mother, and suddenly

My identity divided 

Moving now in three different directions 

On six feet

All at once

But my daughters are not divided

Despite carrying my DNA and my voice inside them

They are wholly themselves

The way I once was and am now but for the way I am reflected

Refracted

I am more than a mother

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Lost in music

My fingers tear across the hard brass strings.
They ache to find the right note
the right chord
to trigger my memory.
I found you once in a diminished B 7
but you vanished and moved on
and I’ve been playing ever since.
And what if you’re a melody,
Lost in a pattern in these goddamned frets.
Then I’ll learn to write songs
like I learned to play guitar.
I’ll find you, I swear,
and I’ll play you until I fall asleep.
I’ll play you until I bleed.
I’ll play you until I remember
or hallucinate the feeling
of your beautiful, calloused fingers on my face.

I don’t wear silver anymore

I can’t count the spaces between us
The months and the hours
I don’t know what’s longer
I can’t think of the places I’ve been to
thinking I’d find you
I don’t know who’s farther from home

I’ve searched all your favorite places
I guess all I have to say is
I don’t wear silver anymore

I can’t count the times that I cried
the silence, the screaming
I don’t know what’s louder
I can’t find the will to move on
thinking you’ll find me
I don’t know who’s further from home

I can’t spend another night on the freeway
I don’t know what state you’re in anyway
another dime in the pay phone, just wanted to say
hello I’m not okay

I’ve searched all your favorite places
I guess all I have to say is
I don’t wear silver anymore.