Yin

I don’t remember falling. Did you ask me? Did I ask you? Or did we both just answer a calling. I remember when your eyes met mine. The first time. The last time. Time is interrupted. And I’m orbiting within the blue. Bathing in your kindness, your calmness, the life you’ve lived through. In those suspended moments, I’m alive. I haven’t just survived. I’m seen and I see. I’m loved and I love. I’m finally really arrived. In the present.

It’s a high place to fall from. From present to past. A bitter contrast. Thoughts move too fast, and I can’t attach any feelings. I’m lost in the cost of repairs, in the price of affairs, in the multiplying layers of confusion. Is it delusion? Do other people feel this conflicted? Maybe I’m addicted to the fire.

Can the ocean in your eyes hold me when I’m blazing? Can you see past the flames and stay gazing? My god that hue is amazing. Let me linger, before you look away, take your fingers, and touch me while I stay, in your waters. Let me love you here and now, let me kiss your furrowed brow and make you happy. Don’t look away. This is all we get. Don’t look away. This is almost perfect.

Fuck Titles

I finally decided to pray

Dear God I’m not okay

I’m listening and I’m looking for signs

I keep on cleaning, keep on cooking

But I’m blind

I see nothing divine

I keep on going through the motions, daily devotions of hope

And fear

Why can’t you just appear

And fucking guide me?

Everywhere I look is a reflection of my grief

Where is the reprieve from the heartache?

What is possibly left to break?

For my sake, for their sake, for fuck’s sake

Let me rest

I mean, you know what is best

Or do you?

Do you care or are you indifferent?

A complacent God, an omnipresent fraud

I’m still praying…

Change my mind

Show me kindness, heal my blindness

Let me know how the fuck to heal

I don’t want to feel

Can we make a holy deal?

My pain for – anything you say

I’ll pray every day

Dear God I’m not okay

I am more than a mother

This all consuming love

Is an honor

To experience childhood  and motherhood in tandem 

Is the singular thing in life

Greater than childhood itself

And yet I am more 

I was a child once

And then a girl

And then a woman

Moving forward

Haphazardly

On only two feet

Until I became a mother, and suddenly

My identity divided 

Moving now in three different directions 

On six feet

All at once

But my daughters are not divided

Despite carrying my DNA and my voice inside them

They are wholly themselves

The way I once was and am now but for the way I am reflected

Refracted

I am more than a mother

Lost in music

My fingers tear across the hard brass strings.
They ache to find the right note
the right chord
to trigger my memory.
I found you once in a diminished B 7
but you vanished and moved on
and I’ve been playing ever since.
And what if you’re a melody,
Lost in a pattern in these goddamned frets.
Then I’ll learn to write songs
like I learned to play guitar.
I’ll find you, I swear,
and I’ll play you until I fall asleep.
I’ll play you until I bleed.
I’ll play you until I remember
or hallucinate the feeling
of your beautiful, calloused fingers on my face.

I don’t wear silver anymore

I can’t count the spaces between us
The months and the hours
I don’t know what’s longer
I can’t think of the places I’ve been to
thinking I’d find you
I don’t know who’s farther from home

I’ve searched all your favorite places
I guess all I have to say is
I don’t wear silver anymore

I can’t count the times that I cried
the silence, the screaming
I don’t know what’s louder
I can’t find the will to move on
thinking you’ll find me
I don’t know who’s further from home

I can’t spend another night on the freeway
I don’t know what state you’re in anyway
another dime in the pay phone, just wanted to say
hello I’m not okay

I’ve searched all your favorite places
I guess all I have to say is
I don’t wear silver anymore.