Another Day, Another Prayer Floating In Cyberspace

Words seem to evaporate inside my head as soon as they are created and within moments after they are spoken. So I’m writing. To God. To myself. To the world. Hoping the ink in this pen will somehow endow my words with a power to break through the walls surrounding me and elicit an answer from the universe. From some higher stream of consciousness that knows better than I do now and can see the mess I’m in with perfect 20/20 hindsight and fucking guide me through. I’ve never felt so disconnected.

This isn’t a journal entry. This isn’t for self preservation. This is a prayer. A cry for help. I don’t want to talk or explain. I want answers from YOU, who already knows my heart, my story, my soul. Why are you leaving me in this chaos? I’m not learning or growing. I’m spinning my wheels and growing tired, and bitter, and losing faith. I need a god damned intervention, so show up. Please. Show up for me. Take any form, but for the love of all that is holy, can you not be subtle about it? I’m disconnected. I’m losing touch and won’t hear your whispers this time. My chaos is too loud.

The wind is howling outside but still I will crack the window so the spirits of nature can pass easily into my home. Find me waking, find me sleeping, alone or in company, just find me and help me. Show me the way and light my best path.

I remember as a child begging for signs like this in my darkest moments. I cannot remember the outcomes. Somehow I became a spiritual adult with a belief system so expansive, it is at times a limitless wonderland. Unless I’m desperate. When my heart is broken, I always feel forsaken and cannot hear or feel past the sadness or the anger. Why? When I need my faith the most, why am I unreachable? Please, find me here. I’m not meaning to hide. I’m not meaning to barricade myself inside walls of fear and despair. I invite you in. I forfeit my ego and my will to the best of my ability so that I may hear, see, and know my best path. Show me the next right thing.

I’m listening.

Fuck Titles

I finally decided to pray

Dear God I’m not okay

I’m listening and I’m looking for signs

I keep on cleaning, keep on cooking

But I’m blind

I see nothing divine

I keep on going through the motions, daily devotions of hope

And fear

Why can’t you just appear

And fucking guide me?

Everywhere I look is a reflection of my grief

Where is the reprieve from the heartache?

What is possibly left to break?

For my sake, for their sake, for fuck’s sake

Let me rest

I mean, you know what is best

Or do you?

Do you care or are you indifferent?

A complacent God, an omnipresent fraud

I’m still praying…

Change my mind

Show me kindness, heal my blindness

Let me know how the fuck to heal

I don’t want to feel

Can we make a holy deal?

My pain for – anything you say

I’ll pray every day

Dear God I’m not okay

One Unanswered Prayer

The carpet by my bed is worn

where I have knelt

every night

begging

for comfort

or a moment’s peace

that I might actually sleep

and forfeit a few miserable hours

to darkness.

I beg to awake

in a different world

where my heart does not

always break

and I am free again

as I was

before I knew anything at all.