I don’t remember falling. Did you ask me? Did I ask you? Or did we both just answer a calling. I remember when your eyes met mine. The first time. The last time. Time is interrupted. And I’m orbiting within the blue. Bathing in your kindness, your calmness, the life you’ve lived through. In those suspended moments, I’m alive. I haven’t just survived. I’m seen and I see. I’m loved and I love. I’m finally really arrived. In the present.
It’s a high place to fall from. From present to past. A bitter contrast. Thoughts move too fast, and I can’t attach any feelings. I’m lost in the cost of repairs, in the price of affairs, in the multiplying layers of confusion. Is it delusion? Do other people feel this conflicted? Maybe I’m addicted to the fire.
Can the ocean in your eyes hold me when I’m blazing? Can you see past the flames and stay gazing? My god that hue is amazing. Let me linger, before you look away, take your fingers, and touch me while I stay, in your waters. Let me love you here and now, let me kiss your furrowed brow and make you happy. Don’t look away. This is all we get. Don’t look away. This is almost perfect.
I finally decided to pray
Dear God I’m not okay
I’m listening and I’m looking for signs
I keep on cleaning, keep on cooking
But I’m blind
I see nothing divine
I keep on going through the motions, daily devotions of hope
Why can’t you just appear
And fucking guide me?
Everywhere I look is a reflection of my grief
Where is the reprieve from the heartache?
What is possibly left to break?
For my sake, for their sake, for fuck’s sake
Let me rest
I mean, you know what is best
Or do you?
Do you care or are you indifferent?
A complacent God, an omnipresent fraud
I’m still praying…
Change my mind
Show me kindness, heal my blindness
Let me know how the fuck to heal
I don’t want to feel
Can we make a holy deal?
My pain for – anything you say
I’ll pray every day
Dear God I’m not okay
There are thoughts,
That crash into me
With such precise timing that it’s as if
I sent them myself.
Like somehow, years ago,
I knew exactly where I would be standing now.
Was determined to keep this fire burning,
To maintain enough agitation in my core,
That I would forever seek new forms of
And therefore grow.
And I do.
I receive these thoughts and visions and sensations and
Let them take up space inside me until
It burns too hot.
Have fueled this wild conflagration that now demands
I turn inwards,
Face to the flames,
For whatever I’m supposed to find.
I let the fire transform me
And try not to be afraid
Of emerging somehow
I will, of course,
And maybe no one will know I was on fire.
Maybe my fate is to be alone with myself
And to discover peace there.
In a space unwitnessed,
By anyone, but me.
We built a fire next to horse creek reservoir
The frozen water bubbling with dormant life and summer secrets
And we stared into growing flames and apologized
For letting the fire ever go out
Both of us wishing we had burned alive
Instead of drowning on the periphery
By morning I was alone trying to light the ashes
Trying to reanimate even a spark on the cold mountain sand
But the time had passed for such forgiveness
And I wept
For twice as long as I burned
Until my memory of you sank deep in the water
Dormant for as long as this
My fingers tear across the hard brass strings.
They ache to find the right note
the right chord
to trigger my memory.
I found you once in a diminished B 7
but you vanished and moved on
and I’ve been playing ever since.
And what if you’re a melody,
Lost in a pattern in these goddamned frets.
Then I’ll learn to write songs
like I learned to play guitar.
I’ll find you, I swear,
and I’ll play you until I fall asleep.
I’ll play you until I bleed.
I’ll play you until I remember
or hallucinate the feeling
of your beautiful, calloused fingers on my face.
I love the way your tongue limps over consonants
But lingers idly on some
Is it linguistics that makes your love
Is there a cathedral behind your lips
That no one can see
Is it the Irish Sea I hear in your whisper
Let’s get lost in translation and I’ll taste what I can’t understand
The details just don’t matter
I heard love
That L that limps forward on your palate like the
Liffey limps toward Dublin Bay
The O that’s as soft and hollow as the
Crypts at Clonmacnoise
The V that vibrates on your lips like the tender hum of
Spirits ten thousand years old
And an E
As silent as the fields of Athenry
Sweet sound, let me swallow your meaning
And I’ll never be hungry again
Oh my son, I’ve dreamt you again.
You’re thin as this sleep but let me hold you
My little egg shell child.
Does it hurt anymore when you fade away?
To make you say goodbye so often.
What is it they say
About mothers letting go?
I never held my dream in real arms.
Real arms, no
But I held you and I hold you still
In fragile visions that feel like memories.
Oh my son, to have memories
Watch me while I write this song.
Don’t look away or you’ll miss the part where I
Does the rise and fall of my chest have you throbbing yet?
Now watch me turn this page.
I’ll linger as I wet my thumb but don’t blink yet,
I’m not nearly done.
Are you wondering what I’m thinking?
You should be.
I’m only thinking so you can
Watch me while I sleep.
Don’t you wonder if I’m dreaming about you?
I’m trying to undo this cyclical sickness and learn
In my dreams
To love myself.
To find a comfortable vanity.
To preserve my feeble sanity.
To be alone.
Watch me give up on romance.
And pardon me while I become
I need to watch myself evolve
Into a singularity.
His voice aged that night as he spoke quietly about the disappointment
that only a prayer could soften.
Beneath the words that bubbled in his chest
his heart beat
but he did not know what for.
I listened to his anatomy and found god
and wished he would speak instead.
The rise and fall of his chest staggered as he made sentences,
useless articulations that failed to find meaning or peace.
Occasionally I kissed him
when only his tongue clicked against the palate of his mouth
and words began to tumble back into his throat
where they stayed without breath
to push them forward again.
He did not kiss back but I tried to breathe some light in
to sustain his searching.
I held him until he slept, and in the darkness that penetrated only one of us
A living body would have melted the snow
that fell with wintery indifference and gathered in the folds
of its broken limbs.
Passing trucks made waves of ice and asphalt that crashed against its side.
It bared the force with a stillness that can only be had in death, but for a moment
it looked like bravery.
Its beady eyes could not see
the frost growing from the corner of its eye where it looked
like a tear had fallen just before those tiny living spheres became
Blood spills slowly when you’re hit by a car.
There is no blade to make a gory exit for your insides.
Just a blunt force
that knocks everything out of place but leaves
maybe dead or maybe dying but definitely